Season of Gratitude

So, I am sure most people have given up on my blog since I pretty much stopped writing in it upon return from Colombia. I am seeing something go around though and I have been inspired to participate. I want to spend this season writing about things for which I am grateful.

Today, I am grateful that God brought me into recovery programs. I had been living my life as a reaction to my fear and pain. And each day, I am learning to face my fears and take responsibility for all of my actions. I feel more centered and grounded than I ever have in my life, and I am excited to see what the Lord has for me once I am out of "the desert".

Still Alive!

My life changes every 37.2 seconds. Not by my choice, mind you. If God left things up to me, we would all stay the same, all the time (unless, of course, I had an agenda to change YOU to make me more comfortable). It would seem, however, that God is not looking for a personal assistant (I offered! "I am qualified!! I have IDEAS!!" and He politely declined), so things keep a'changin.

So what the heck has been going on with me the last 7 months?
I moved. Three times. And I am on the brink of another transition as my beloved roommate is sadly moving to California. (I could be wrong, but I am beginning to suspect that there is some kind of lesson that I am not learning...) So that has not been fun in terms of stability, but I have gotten to live with some really great people, which was a huge blessing.

I am still working at my church in the outreach department, which is also a huge blessing. I do not believe that it was at all coincidence that God placed me in this position. He totally opened the door there. It has not always been an easy process for different difficulties beyond anyone's control, but even in that, I am learning that God is faithful and He is good.

And because God LOVES me, He opened the door for me to teach at GED class to English learners in the spring. That was a new experience, but I loved it! I loved my students (all latinos!!).

"So, Desteni, how are you?" (head slightly tilted to the right).

I have been in a wonderful process. Has it been easy? About as easy as brain surgery in a row boat. It has been so hard and so uncomfortable, but sooo good. Tackling my issue with codependency is seriously revolutionizing my life. I am learning to change behavior/thoughts that are damaging to myself. I am learning that I have CHOICES. I am learning to own and deal with my own feelings, while requiring that others deal with theirs (I always felt responsible for everyone's feelings and needed to make everyone feel good). I am learning to be NICE to myself. (I would probably be in jail if I treated others the way I treated myself, in terms of expections, perfection, brutality over mistakes, etc). So it has been good. I still have a long way to go, but I am encouraged. I am hopeful that God is leading me to a glorious destiny.

"So, Desteni, are you going to go back?"
You know, I still am not putting pressure on myself to make that decision. I have a lot of resentment to work through still that would keep me from being objective at this point. I do know that my perceptions of what happened were/are distorted because of my codependence. I do know that I love Colombia. I miss it like crazy. I feel most alive when I am serving in missions. I am still passionate about the work there. We will see. I believe 100% that when it is time to make a decision that God will guide me and I will have peace. He's good like that ;)

What is immediately on my plate? I am going to lead a weekend trip to Agua Prieta, Mexico to serve at an orphanage. I went in February and it was great! There are so really awesome kids there.

Stay tuned for pictures...

Not So Scary

Things are looking up, Folks. It's been a good month.

Praises- I am sleeping again. I like sleep. Sleep is great. My panic attacks are pretty much under control. That is a definite plus! I am realizing what a problem I have with putting emotional boundaries between myself and others. My "empathy" has always been praised and God has certainly used it (in a redemptive way) but it is very much a problem. I feel things for people more than they do! You did something wrong? Don't worry! I will feel guilty for you. Are you worried about something? I will be three times as worried for you!! You will move on, but I will just hang out and be worried for you. So cluing into that has really helped my anxiety and general well being.

I have also grasped more of what it means to let go of control. I used to believe that I could somehow control things by worrying about them or obsessing over it. "If I think about this all the time and try to figure out a solution (which does not exist), it will be solved somehow and everything will be ok." Yeah, Friends, that apparently is not true. It is a blissful place to understand that worrying will not solve it, and it is not even mine to worry about. I can't do anything about it...and let it go. That simple!

I still have quite a ways to go, and there is still a ton to deal with from my past.

On Thursday I will start a recovery group that is specifically for codependents, so I am pretty excited about that.

(*Codependency has nothing to do with being dependent. It can be defined as "a compulsion to control and rescue people by fixing their problems. It occurs when a person's God-given need for love and security are blocked in a relationship with a dysfunctional person, resulting in a lack of objectivity, a warped sense of responsibility, being controlled and controlling others..." -handout New Freedoms ministry).

All prayers are appreciated!

I still alive...almost...sort of

Well, I realize that I have not posted anything in quite some time. I think I was just hoping that everything I am living would soon be over and life would be back to normal again. Not happening.

In July of this year, things got intense, to say that least. I was about to be engaged, and learned that my boyfriend had not been faithful to me early in the relationship, but we still wanted to work it out. There were problems with leadership over the relationship, and over my "unwillingness to be discipled" (which is a combination of cultural differences and some control issues), and it came to head finally with days of panic attacks and some hepatitis A. Through prayer and some loving people around me, I was encourage to step back, come home and heal, and "unmesh" what was going on in Colombia.

I planned on being here for a month. It was like going to the doctor with fatigue and finding out that you had cancer. A weekend off wasn't going to cut it.

I got into counseling.

I was able to make the decision to leave the relationship (particularly after I found out that it was not an isolated instance). And I began to dive into the bottomless pit of pain and dysfunction that is in my heart. (Merry Christmas, Everyone!)

I am working at my church part time to make ends meet, and living with some friends.

Everything in my life is uncertain, unpredictable, and uncomfortable at this point. I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know...anything.

But God has been abundantly good. I keep trying to fight Him to control some element of my life to give myself some sense of security, making some situations way more stressful than they need to be, and He gently reminds me that He has GIVEN me this time and PICKED it for me intentionally, and that it is GOOD.

So that, my friends, is why I haven't written! My life is what it is right now, and that's ok apparently (still working on believing that)...

I could definitely use prayer.

I don't sleep anymore. My body is totally disinterested in sleep. My mind loves sleep. I love sleep. But my body seems to think that adrenaline should be released when I lay down. Nothing so restful as a good dose of adrenaline.

In the process of taking away all sense of false security in my life (moving countries, occupation, relationships, plans for life, the economy, etc etc), I have discovered some sleeping giants...like panic attacks and a bit of OCD (No, I don't wash my hands 300 times a day...I do have obsessively scary thoughts that lead me to take action. Who knew?) So that is...fun...and I'd like that to go away now.

I want to believe in Him. Everything that He says about Himself. Everything that I intellectually know to be true, and have experienced in bits and pieces. I need to know that He is with me and that this stage doesn't last forever.

Update on the Baby Shower

Something else pretty exciting also ocurred the first night of the brigade. I got a phone call from the girl we did the baby shower for. The babies were born, and we were the first people she called!! A healthy little boy and girl. I was seriously so touched though. She had literally just given birth and called us!