Desire is a dangerous thing. Desire opens you up for a whole world of vulnerability, risk, and potential disappointment. Desire will either take you on an adventure of faith and trust or burn your spirit.
I have spent the majority of my life avoiding desire. If I do not want and if I do not have any expectation of abundance, I cannot be disappointed. I am a master at "getting by". At staying safe.
Have I experienced the amazing generosity of God? Absolutely. How could I ever forget my experience in Spain, and living 100% in faith for every single meal for an entire month, never knowing where our next meal was going to come from? I will never forget how He not only met my physical needs, but also gave me the desires of my heart. I will never forget how He was IN MY FACE, challenging me with, "You cannot possibly even ASK for more than what I am willing to give you." Yet so often I find myself like ground that is so dry that it is unable to absorb the rainfall.
My prayer for myself right now, is that I would become incredible at receiving. In every area of my life. That I would make room for desire and allow God to either wow me in providing, or to help me see the bigger picture in not providing and allow Him to comfort me. I just long for my heart to be such a fertile place.
I have been invited to go to Argentina not once, but twice this year. In July, they are reopening the art school for underprivileged children after having lost their beloved leader in her battle with cancer early this year. I am not sure what my specific role will be. I believe that God wants to use me, though, in ways He has used me before. And I still believe that I am to go on the October trip as well.
Going once was stretching to my faith. Not going to lie. After being home for two years, I do not have my support base as I did before. Going twice? I am having to conquer some big fears of allowing myself to want it, then not being provided for. Of being disappointed. I am going to go for it though, and see what the Lord would do with it. I am going to put myself in a position of vulnerability and see what amazing things He has for me, either in going on both, or in blessing my heart with some greater lesson.
If you would like to help me go, I am going to need to raise about $3000 above what I have already raised. Checks can be made out to City of Grace, with Desteni-Argentina in the memo and sent to:
City of Grace
655 E University Drive
Mesa, AZ 85203
ATTN: Outreach
I have already been incredibly blessed by a handful of people who have already come alongside me. And I am realizing that I am equally as grateful for the words of encouragement that have come in as I am with the financial gifts. So if you want to pray for me and send a word of encouragement, that would be amazing! You can send it to the same address and it will get to me.
In the Journey Together,
Desteni
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
My Own Resurrection
"My lover spoke and said to me, 'Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come...Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.'" Song of Songs 2:10-13
Word that I have been waiting and waiting and waiting to hear...YES, Desteni, this is what I want for you.
Around New Year, God confirmed in my heart that yes, missions are a part of my DNA. I am most alive, most fulfilled, most effective, when I am serving in missions. I began to pray about the place, the timing, etc. I still love Colombia, so I presented God with my plan to work on the island of Bocachica with Karen and Jorge. My answer was consistent...wait. Don't worry about your future. Don't fret about tomorrow. Your future is in my hands. I would try my best to surrender for the day, and in the morning I'd get the same word. (I am a fast learner, Folks!)
I didn't "get it" until I went to coffee with a friend of mine. She was sharing with me her own journey, and how God called her to "give up her love of Guatemala". I burst into tears. Full on crying in the coffee shop as I listened to her talk. She continued to share how she would always love Guatemala, but she was holding onto it in her OWN love. God totally convicted me that I was holding onto Colombia with my own love. It was as if I was trying to manipulate God to send me back through loving Colombia enough. I finally surrendered. I cannot receive the good things He has for me if I insist on what it looks like. I took on the attitude of, "if this is what He wants, great, if not, I am going to serve in the way that He chooses with gratitude".
Soon after, out of nowhere, He began to stir in me a desire to go on our church's mission trip to Argentina. This made NO SENSE to me. (Still doesn't make a whole lot of sense!) First, I am not huge into short term stuff. If I am going to fly across the world, I want to be there for awhile. Second, it is a CONSTRUCTION team. I don't even need to elaborate why that is not a great fit for me...but I will. "Aleah, can you open this Gatorade bottle for me?" And third, I don't have any long term plans of going. But in my surrendered state, I began to seek the Lord on it.
Little by little, He began confirming that YES this IS what He wants for me. I was given the green light by my directors and the team leader a couple of days ago.
I can't even explain what it means to me. Seriously, I don't care what it is. He could have told me that He was sending me to the local Taco Bell to serve. I am just SO touched and excited that He has spoken to me about it. That He is leading me with something other than WAIT.
He has even started to stir in me some of my giftings that have been on loving "hold" during this season.
I am just so touched to be seeing the first fruits of the Spring after a long, cold winter. I am thankful that my season of resurrection is beginning.
If you would like to help me go on this trip, I am asking people to participate in what I am calling 17.20.6.
I am looking for 17 people to support me $20 a month for the next 6 months. (I was going to say that it comes from a certain verse in the Bible and come up with something totally random. But when I went to look up verses in 17:26, they were totally encouraging and appropriate like 1 Chron 17:26 O Lord, you are God! You have promised these good things to your servant).
Anyway, if you'd like to be one of the 17, please send checks made out to City of Grace with Desteni-Argentina in the memo to
City of Grace
655 E University Drive
Mesa, AZ
ATTN: Outreach
And obviously, if you want to help with a one time gift or a different amount, I am not going to send it back to you and send you hate mail.
I will be posting prayer request as the process continues. I am excited for what God is doing and know that nothing of significance happens w/o prayer!
Thanks for going on this journey with me.
Word that I have been waiting and waiting and waiting to hear...YES, Desteni, this is what I want for you.
Around New Year, God confirmed in my heart that yes, missions are a part of my DNA. I am most alive, most fulfilled, most effective, when I am serving in missions. I began to pray about the place, the timing, etc. I still love Colombia, so I presented God with my plan to work on the island of Bocachica with Karen and Jorge. My answer was consistent...wait. Don't worry about your future. Don't fret about tomorrow. Your future is in my hands. I would try my best to surrender for the day, and in the morning I'd get the same word. (I am a fast learner, Folks!)
I didn't "get it" until I went to coffee with a friend of mine. She was sharing with me her own journey, and how God called her to "give up her love of Guatemala". I burst into tears. Full on crying in the coffee shop as I listened to her talk. She continued to share how she would always love Guatemala, but she was holding onto it in her OWN love. God totally convicted me that I was holding onto Colombia with my own love. It was as if I was trying to manipulate God to send me back through loving Colombia enough. I finally surrendered. I cannot receive the good things He has for me if I insist on what it looks like. I took on the attitude of, "if this is what He wants, great, if not, I am going to serve in the way that He chooses with gratitude".
Soon after, out of nowhere, He began to stir in me a desire to go on our church's mission trip to Argentina. This made NO SENSE to me. (Still doesn't make a whole lot of sense!) First, I am not huge into short term stuff. If I am going to fly across the world, I want to be there for awhile. Second, it is a CONSTRUCTION team. I don't even need to elaborate why that is not a great fit for me...but I will. "Aleah, can you open this Gatorade bottle for me?" And third, I don't have any long term plans of going. But in my surrendered state, I began to seek the Lord on it.
Little by little, He began confirming that YES this IS what He wants for me. I was given the green light by my directors and the team leader a couple of days ago.
I can't even explain what it means to me. Seriously, I don't care what it is. He could have told me that He was sending me to the local Taco Bell to serve. I am just SO touched and excited that He has spoken to me about it. That He is leading me with something other than WAIT.
He has even started to stir in me some of my giftings that have been on loving "hold" during this season.
I am just so touched to be seeing the first fruits of the Spring after a long, cold winter. I am thankful that my season of resurrection is beginning.
If you would like to help me go on this trip, I am asking people to participate in what I am calling 17.20.6.
I am looking for 17 people to support me $20 a month for the next 6 months. (I was going to say that it comes from a certain verse in the Bible and come up with something totally random. But when I went to look up verses in 17:26, they were totally encouraging and appropriate like 1 Chron 17:26 O Lord, you are God! You have promised these good things to your servant).
Anyway, if you'd like to be one of the 17, please send checks made out to City of Grace with Desteni-Argentina in the memo to
City of Grace
655 E University Drive
Mesa, AZ
ATTN: Outreach
And obviously, if you want to help with a one time gift or a different amount, I am not going to send it back to you and send you hate mail.
I will be posting prayer request as the process continues. I am excited for what God is doing and know that nothing of significance happens w/o prayer!
Thanks for going on this journey with me.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Season of Gratitude
So, I am sure most people have given up on my blog since I pretty much stopped writing in it upon return from Colombia. I am seeing something go around though and I have been inspired to participate. I want to spend this season writing about things for which I am grateful.
Today, I am grateful that God brought me into recovery programs. I had been living my life as a reaction to my fear and pain. And each day, I am learning to face my fears and take responsibility for all of my actions. I feel more centered and grounded than I ever have in my life, and I am excited to see what the Lord has for me once I am out of "the desert".
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Still Alive!
My life changes every 37.2 seconds. Not by my choice, mind you. If God left things up to me, we would all stay the same, all the time (unless, of course, I had an agenda to change YOU to make me more comfortable). It would seem, however, that God is not looking for a personal assistant (I offered! "I am qualified!! I have IDEAS!!" and He politely declined), so things keep a'changin.
So what the heck has been going on with me the last 7 months?
I moved. Three times. And I am on the brink of another transition as my beloved roommate is sadly moving to California. (I could be wrong, but I am beginning to suspect that there is some kind of lesson that I am not learning...) So that has not been fun in terms of stability, but I have gotten to live with some really great people, which was a huge blessing.
I am still working at my church in the outreach department, which is also a huge blessing. I do not believe that it was at all coincidence that God placed me in this position. He totally opened the door there. It has not always been an easy process for different difficulties beyond anyone's control, but even in that, I am learning that God is faithful and He is good.
And because God LOVES me, He opened the door for me to teach at GED class to English learners in the spring. That was a new experience, but I loved it! I loved my students (all latinos!!).
"So, Desteni, how are you?" (head slightly tilted to the right).
I have been in a wonderful process. Has it been easy? About as easy as brain surgery in a row boat. It has been so hard and so uncomfortable, but sooo good. Tackling my issue with codependency is seriously revolutionizing my life. I am learning to change behavior/thoughts that are damaging to myself. I am learning that I have CHOICES. I am learning to own and deal with my own feelings, while requiring that others deal with theirs (I always felt responsible for everyone's feelings and needed to make everyone feel good). I am learning to be NICE to myself. (I would probably be in jail if I treated others the way I treated myself, in terms of expections, perfection, brutality over mistakes, etc). So it has been good. I still have a long way to go, but I am encouraged. I am hopeful that God is leading me to a glorious destiny.
"So, Desteni, are you going to go back?"
You know, I still am not putting pressure on myself to make that decision. I have a lot of resentment to work through still that would keep me from being objective at this point. I do know that my perceptions of what happened were/are distorted because of my codependence. I do know that I love Colombia. I miss it like crazy. I feel most alive when I am serving in missions. I am still passionate about the work there. We will see. I believe 100% that when it is time to make a decision that God will guide me and I will have peace. He's good like that ;)
What is immediately on my plate? I am going to lead a weekend trip to Agua Prieta, Mexico to serve at an orphanage. I went in February and it was great! There are so really awesome kids there.
Stay tuned for pictures...
So what the heck has been going on with me the last 7 months?
I moved. Three times. And I am on the brink of another transition as my beloved roommate is sadly moving to California. (I could be wrong, but I am beginning to suspect that there is some kind of lesson that I am not learning...) So that has not been fun in terms of stability, but I have gotten to live with some really great people, which was a huge blessing.
I am still working at my church in the outreach department, which is also a huge blessing. I do not believe that it was at all coincidence that God placed me in this position. He totally opened the door there. It has not always been an easy process for different difficulties beyond anyone's control, but even in that, I am learning that God is faithful and He is good.
And because God LOVES me, He opened the door for me to teach at GED class to English learners in the spring. That was a new experience, but I loved it! I loved my students (all latinos!!).
"So, Desteni, how are you?" (head slightly tilted to the right).
I have been in a wonderful process. Has it been easy? About as easy as brain surgery in a row boat. It has been so hard and so uncomfortable, but sooo good. Tackling my issue with codependency is seriously revolutionizing my life. I am learning to change behavior/thoughts that are damaging to myself. I am learning that I have CHOICES. I am learning to own and deal with my own feelings, while requiring that others deal with theirs (I always felt responsible for everyone's feelings and needed to make everyone feel good). I am learning to be NICE to myself. (I would probably be in jail if I treated others the way I treated myself, in terms of expections, perfection, brutality over mistakes, etc). So it has been good. I still have a long way to go, but I am encouraged. I am hopeful that God is leading me to a glorious destiny.
"So, Desteni, are you going to go back?"
You know, I still am not putting pressure on myself to make that decision. I have a lot of resentment to work through still that would keep me from being objective at this point. I do know that my perceptions of what happened were/are distorted because of my codependence. I do know that I love Colombia. I miss it like crazy. I feel most alive when I am serving in missions. I am still passionate about the work there. We will see. I believe 100% that when it is time to make a decision that God will guide me and I will have peace. He's good like that ;)
What is immediately on my plate? I am going to lead a weekend trip to Agua Prieta, Mexico to serve at an orphanage. I went in February and it was great! There are so really awesome kids there.
Stay tuned for pictures...
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Update on the Baby Shower
Something else pretty exciting also ocurred the first night of the brigade. I got a phone call from the girl we did the baby shower for. The babies were born, and we were the first people she called!! A healthy little boy and girl. I was seriously so touched though. She had literally just given birth and called us!
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